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More Grandpa Davey Speaks

A Path with a Heart
A Stop at Willoughby
Can't Captue It
Crossing Texas
Ewe To?
Golden Biscuits
Invest in Yourself
Killing Me Softly
Leave it to Beaver
Locke Machine
Lost in the Grand Canyon
Mind Over Temperature
Mother of all Storms
Mr. Wizard
Mysterious Money
No Sense at All
Not Shadow People
Poverty Point
Queer Creatures
Reckless Abandon
Shadow People
Squirt Gets Run Over
Sub Prime
The Cheapest Medicine
The Golden Calf
Ticket to Freedom
Two Types of Girls
Vaya Con Dios
Wake Up!
Where's the Beef?
Worst Case Scenario

Two Types of Girls

As my thirty-sixth anniversary approaches, I reflect on what I have observed about the institution of marriage.

Grandpa Davey & Sweet MomThroughout history, most cultures have agreed upon and understood the definition of marriage. Apparently twenty-first century America is not one of these.

How sad it is that young Americans know nothing of the most basic matrimonial rules. First and foremost, there are two types of girls: those you marry, and those you donít. Secondly, a fiancť is one that shares a ring and a date. There are other words for sharing an apartment.

Sometimes people comment on how special it is to be married so long. How silly! Donít they know? Everyone that married nice girls, still are, and those that did otherwise were never actually married. I donít mean to say they canít have a lifelong arrangement. It just doesnít meet the historical definition of marriage.

On a cold November night, I saw Sweet Mom for the first time. From across the room, I was attracted to her exotic looks and managed to get an introduction. As we conversed, the language of others in our company distracted her.

ďThat irks me,Ē she said of their foul mouths. Perhaps this was code telling me she was a nice girl. Anyway, I did want to get to know her better.

Of our filthy mouthed friends, one married and divorced at least two type two girls. Another, a type two girl herself, went on to live a tragic life. The last I heard of the third, he was in jail of some sort.

From that night hence, all Iíve wanted was to be near Sweet Mom. All these years Iíve followed her around, torturing her with incessant conversation. In order to achieve productivity, weíve always had to maintain separate offices. Even though I have a fine private office, it is too close to that girl. Thus, here I sit at the fishing spot.

When queried about my marital experience, I usually respond that marriage has always agreed with me. Should I add a disclaimer saying these results are not typical? Perhaps I could add a list of contraindications, e.g. ďdonít take marriage if you have a history, etc.Ē

What irks me is that this country has made a mockery of this most ancient and sacred union.





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