More Grandpa Davey Speaks
A Path with a Heart
A Stop at Willoughby
Can't Captue It
Invest in Yourself
Killing Me Softly
Leave it to Beaver
Lost in the Grand Canyon
Mind Over Temperature
Mother of all Storms
No Sense at All
Not Shadow People
Squirt Gets Run Over
The Cheapest Medicine
The Golden Calf
Ticket to Freedom
Two Types of Girls
Vaya Con Dios
Where's the Beef?
Worst Case Scenario
Two Types of Girls
my thirty-sixth anniversary approaches, I
reflect on what I have observed about the institution of marriage.
Throughout history, most cultures have agreed upon and understood
the definition of marriage. Apparently twenty-first century America
is not one of these.
How sad it is that young Americans know nothing of the most basic
matrimonial rules. First and foremost, there are two types of girls:
those you marry, and those you donít. Secondly, a fiancť is one that
shares a ring and a date. There are other words for sharing an
Sometimes people comment on how special it is to be married so long.
How silly! Donít they know? Everyone that married nice girls, still
are, and those that did otherwise were never actually married. I
donít mean to say they canít have a lifelong arrangement. It just
doesnít meet the historical definition of marriage.
On a cold November night, I saw Sweet Mom for the first time. From
across the room, I was attracted to her exotic looks and managed to
get an introduction. As we conversed, the language of others in our
company distracted her.
ďThat irks me,Ē she said of their foul mouths. Perhaps this was code
telling me she was a nice girl. Anyway, I did want to get to know
Of our filthy mouthed friends, one married and divorced at least two
type two girls. Another, a type two girl herself, went on to live a
tragic life. The last I heard of the third, he was in jail of some
From that night hence,
all Iíve wanted was to be near Sweet Mom.
All these years Iíve followed her around, torturing her with
incessant conversation. In order to achieve productivity, weíve
always had to maintain separate offices. Even though I have a fine
private office, it is too close to that girl. Thus, here I sit at
the fishing spot.
When queried about my marital experience, I usually respond that
marriage has always agreed with me. Should I add a disclaimer saying
these results are not typical? Perhaps I could add a list of
contraindications, e.g. ďdonít take marriage if you have a history,
What irks me is that this country has made a mockery of this most
ancient and sacred union.